Open and Shut Cabinet

Dear ICE: If you need money that bad, then go sell drugs. At least that way you'll be making someone happy while you destroy their lives.

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Dear Texas: There are 613 commandments in the Bible. I don't think you're approaching your religious schoolroom indoctrination campaign seriously.

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Dude, you just KNOW the presidential campaign is gonna be so on when Gavin Newsom eventually comes down an escalator and pays off a large crowd of attendees with coupons for free Big Macs.

This post is not an endorsement of Gov. Newsom. It's too early for that. But it's a HELL of a lot of fun watching him parody the Covfefe Con-man.

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The Aberrant Orange Fecal-Fascist says he's worried he'll never make it to Heaven, but he's already screwed because the weight limit there is 238 pounds.

Besides which, he's unlikely to make the cut because he's spent his entire life emulating the seven deadly sins: Pride, greed, lust, wrath, gluttony, envy and sloth.

And we should throw in "real estate developer" just for good measure.

- Lefty