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Ego Trippin' Balls.

ego tripWhen I was about twelve years old I was taught, in Miss Cook's 6th grade class, that in order to run for President you had to be at least 35 years old. At the time this seemed like a total gyp although, in retrospect, it's clear that a prospective Chief Executive needs to go through puberty before commencing war on helpless brown people in other countries.

If you're presently past the magic age of 35 and have all your citizenship bone fide ducks in a row the only other thing you need to run for President is to raise or spend $5000 and file the proper paperwork with the FEC. To me, that is an amazing bargain because for less than the cost of a butt lift you could be known by one and all as the guy who ran for President. Think of all the hot waitresses you'll impress at Hooters, all the ex-school chums who will regard you with greater respect at the reunions, or how you can tell Uncle Billy on Thanksgiving to shut his fat mouth about Tony Romo because, you know, you once ran for President.

Heck, you might even get a discount on the buffet at Luby's.

Even if you don't spend a minute on the campaign trail you can always boast that you received as many delegate votes as Texas Governor Rick Perry (zero), plus you'll probably even get a mention on a Wikipedia page with other prez front-runners like Thaddeus McCotter, Jack Fellure, and Jonathon Sharkey.

Best of all, when you eventually shuffle off this mortal coil your obituary will state "Former candidate for President." Which is just another way to tell all your mourners to "Eat it, bitches!"


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The GOP's Secret Elephant Burial Ground

The Bill of Rights? Toss it in the wood-chipper.

GOP elephants burying boxes titled fiscal responsibility, women's rights, environment, social safety net, voting rights, and education.

Overturn Citizens United