Dying
The Dream
 You're
all going to die. Every last one of you sick little monkeys.
So what better time than the present to start thinking
about
the
most
memorable way to slip off the raft than right now? I'm
not, of course, referring to actual suicide though,
you know, it's your body. Go nuts. Especially if you voted
for Romney.
No, I mean those inevitable
moments when you realize that the final gun has sounded
for quality of life and its time to either suffer endlessly
until the lights go out or take matters in your own
hands and try your darnedest to make your demise front
page worthy.
Note for Xtian sticklers: Don't worry about being sent
to the fiery place below if you hasten your demise through
the use of creative means. When you're ninety and God gives
you cancer it's a free pass to test the locks on the
emergency exits on your next flight to Boca Raton.
It goes without saying that the trick to the perfect death
is combining speed with entertainment value. Essentially,
die quick
but leave
'em reaching for the inhaler from either joy or astonishment.
For
example, leaping into the tiger
pit at the
zoo
would hardly
elicit
a yawn
from the Features editor, but wire yourself with a chunk
of C4 that
goes FOOM! at the first touch of feline saliva and you're
suddenly page 3A, baby! Extra points if you time the event
to take place before a group of first graders.
Or perhaps buy a ride to the International Space Station,
attach a 230 mile rope to your neck, and jump out the pod
bay door.
While the world waits several days for the rope to go taut
take the opportunity to air your grievances, at least
until your air runs out.
All I'm saying is, don't die with dignity. Chances are
low you'll ever make the history books and the cemeteries
are already loaded with chumps who went quietly. At least
give your relatives something to talk about at
Thanksgiving
for the next few ensuing years... especially if you kick
the Big Bucket on Thanksgiving.
Whatever you do, don't
nail yourself to a cross. It's been done to death.
=Lefty=
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