"Lake America" My Ass

Welcome to the Literal News Network. I'm your host Loudon Snarky and here is today's news.

Today, the Dyspeptic Russian Quisling held a meeting in the Bribery Room of the White Demolition Project in Roaming Hostile National Guard Troops, DC. With him were the heads of the Department of Disease Expansion, the Department of Shoveling the Entire Treasury Between Elon Musk's Mattress, the Department of Murderous Morons Hunting and Killing Dark-Skinned Maids and Gardeners For Sport, and the Department of the Exact Opposite of Justice.

During the meeting plans were announced for "Project Eternal Insider Trading", which was thought to supercede "Project Bomb Iran Until Oil Corporation Profits Exceed the National Debt". However, analysts speculate that both projects will continue to run concurrently until January of 2028 or until the collapse of Western civilization, whichever comes first.

The Supreme Apparatchiks today announced that construction may continue on "the doomsday bunker like all the other billionaire's have except that American suckers are paying for this one" while its prime adherent, a deteriorating brain floating in a diapered carcass, spends his time asking his magic social outlet "Who's the fairest of them all?"

And, finally, the President's wife, the First Pre-Nup, announced that she will be initiating a new husband-avoidance program for all Americans based on her own workout preferences. It will be a multi-step cardio curriculum beginning with "Banging the Aerobics Guru" before proceeding to "Shtupping the Interval Training Coach" and "Rogering the Yoga Instructor". Private classes will be available on a first-come, next-come, we-all-come basis in her penthouse hot-tub.

That's all for today. Until tomorrow, never let the child-fucking bastards get you down.

-Lefty