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Rhymes With Orange
Randi Rhodes

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Young dumb love.

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Bad Romance

xxx hourglassMy personal jackpot in the Unfortunate Courtship Performance Jamboree involved the first three young women, all of whom I dated for prolonged periods, with which I engaged in Advanced Romantic Gymnastics.

To be blunt, each of them had difficulty, umm, achieving optimal humidity in the Moan Zone.

These women exist. You know it and I know it. Nowadays the remedy can be found at the nearest drugstore, right by the cash register next to the patchouli oil and the Snickers Bars, but at the time neither the objects of my affection nor I had the faintest idea why it was so difficult to shove the toothpaste back into the tube, so to speak. Such was my luck.

And yet, we persevered because we were young and dumb and in love and boiling over with Mother Nature's hot, steamy hormonal bouillabaisse.

The odd thing is, when at last I discovered a young suffragette whose apparatus functioned flawlessly I thought something had gone hideously wrong. Her slip-n-slide was so adroitly pomaded with Aphrodite's sweet relish that I felt rather lost in action. It was.... too easy.

Afterwards, like any male worth his salt, I blamed my awkward performance on the young lady herself, imagining her and assorted visiting basketball teams whiling away the hours between tip-offs inventing any number of curious new lay-up and pick-n-roll varietals. As a result of meager accumulated wisdom I eventually, of course, absolved her of any blame.

I like to think the more adult nooks and crannies of the internet have served to help dispel such obvious naivete among our nation's emerging population of potential profligates, but I have to admit there's a certain amount of fun in doing everything wrong in this regard. And there's nothing, NOTHING, like practice, practice, practice.


uber kittyI
discovered this past Friday that my beloved 12-year-old uber-cat has diabetes. For almost the entirety of those twelve years my vet would cluck his tongue each time I took her in for a check-up, warning me that my black, fuzzy butterball was ripe for such a dire affliction.

The funny thing is, she'd lost almost five pounds over the past year and a half. Eight months ago I got a second opinion on her weight loss but neither doctor could pin-point the cause. All her vitals were normal, she was simply losing weight.

But the real reason for the loss of poundage, I suspect, resulted from the stress of dealing with a pair of kittens I adopted in the winter of 2010. Uber-kitty had, up until that point, pretty much owned the joint and she, none-too-surprisingly, didn't take to sharing the property graciously.

The good news is that with proper care cats can sometimes regain pancreatic function. I'm hoping for the best but, for now, I get to poke the fuzzball full of holes, instead of vice-versa.



Republican Job Creation Update

john boehner"We're going to have a relentless focus on creating jobs." - John Boehner, February 10, 2011.

The following is #72 in a list of Republican job creation activities since they gained control of the House in 2011. None, sad to say, have yet to result in one, single new job.

(72) 8-29-2011: Suppose you have a job but you need help with your mortgage. There's still $30 billion in the Troubled Asset Relief Program but the GOP wants to re-route that money to the federal deficit. This means more people will lose their homes and perhaps become homeless. Eventually jobless. Nice work, GOP.


Dump Fox News

Fox News Lies!And what manner of lie is Fox News spewing today? You know who set all those Arizona wildfires? Those damn dirty immigrants! Fox said so!

Click here to help Drop Fox from your cable system.

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Today's Google Chow.

The various moments when we realize that sex is going to be a lot more complicated than we imagined.

Hermaphrodite? Is that some kind of religion?
Heh. Funny thing. As I was taking my pants off...
What do you mean "Is it in yet?"
Can we do that again.... now?
I dunno. Maybe the condom just, you know, melted.
Okay... now what?